Rachael News

Editorial by Rachael
Hello and welcome, intrepid traveller! As I have already mentioned my name is Rachael and this is my newsletter, Rachael News. You may be wondering where I got such a novel idea-a letter? Containing news? Holy Christmas, whatever next?!- and to that I can only say that the idea was mine and mine alone. I had no help from any other party, and it most certainly did not originate from the repeated use of a catchphrase first heard on The Simpsons.

In this, the first Rachael News of many, I will introduce you to some of my many likes and loves, from small hamsters to comfortable leisurewear, and two things in-between. I invite you to join me as I dive head-first into my own psyche, emerging enlightened, refreshed, and possibly covered in some sort of gooey substance.

Here's to you, dear reader. Together, we're about to embark on quite a journey!

100 Best Things About Walter by Rachael

Hamsters. Small, furry rodents, barely big enough to fit in the palm of your hand. If a person were to say to you that they could list the 100 different things they like most about hamsters, you'd dismiss them as crazy, unstable, you'd call the police and have them arrested, and rightly so. That is, if the only hamster you have ever met is Fry. I have met Fry (and in an upcoming issue of Rachael News I will list my 600 least favourite things about him) but I have not myself become jaded to all of hamsterdom, for I have also met Walter, and here is my list of 100 best things about him...

1. He is small
2. He has whiskers
3. He is cow-patterned
4. He has four legs
5. He is a boy
6. He has very short legs
7. He lives inside
8. He eats hamster food
9. When he was smaller, he would not eat outside his house
10. He spins around before he has a wee
11. When his house has been cleaned, he smells of sawdust
12. He squeaks sometimes
13. He has four paws
14. His ears are big in comparison to the rest of his body
15. He has a tiny tongue
16. He is soft
17. He does not wee outside his house
18. He does not poo outside his house
19. He chews up cardboard, therefore...
20. He is environmentally friendly
21. He carries food in his pouches
22. He used to move food from his bowl to the tube by his bowl one piece of food at a time
23. He likes to be alone
24. He sleeps curled up in a little ball
25. He likes climbing
26. He is mixed race
27. If he escapes onto the roof of his house and open the tube, he will climb through the tube back into the house apparently without realising he's putting himself away
28. He is not Fry
29. He is nosy
30. He is perfectly happy if nobody plays with him all day
31. If you try to pick him up from his living room, he will move so that it is slightly easier to get him
32. He is very good at eating his vegetables when he is given them
33. He was awake when I first saw him in the Pets At Home shop
34. He shares his name with a character from a good TV show (see our Raching Bad feature on page 2 for more info!- Ed)
35. He does not bite the rabbits
36. He will lick a grape if you split it for him
37. He is always warm
38. His food costs £2 every few months
39. He runs on his wheel occasionally
40. When he was first put in his house, he learnt to climb the tubes immediately
41. He only cost £9
42. He has poor eyesight
43. He will sometimes jump at loud noises
44. When he wakes up, his ears are tucked in
45. He stands on his hind legs like a meerkat sometimes
46. His feet are pink
47. He is generally very quiet
48. He drinks water from a small bottle, which is cute
49. His nose is twitchy
50. If you give him a grape and he pouches it, his cheek feels cold
51. His nails are not very scratchy
52. He is not Fry
53. He makes his own bed every week
54. He has lots of energy
55. His tail is very short
56. His house is downstairs so he never wakes you up at 4am
57. He gets faster the longer he is out of his house
58. When James forgets about him, he doesn't run under the couch, he just waits to be picked up
59. He licks peanut butter off his bars if you put some there
60. Sometimes his eye gets gunky
61. He will not bite you
62. He has never needed to go to the vet
63. The rabbits are much bigger than him
64. I am not allergic to him
65. He is not a colour that someone would get bullied for being (e.g. ginger)
66. He is very cute when he cleans himself
67. When he climbs down a steep surface, he grips on with his paws
68. He gets upset if you try to give him the fluffy type of bedding
69. He also gets upset if you try to give him toilet paper as bedding
70. He is very persistent
71. He doesn't weigh very much
72. His walk looks quite waddle-y
73. His finger-paws are very small
74. If you are in his way, he will push you out of the way with his head
75. He likes to sit on keyboards
76. He has only escaped once when he was very young
77. He has a little white beard
78. He can jump up legs
79. You can squish him against your face and he does not get annoyed
80. He talks to James just like Sooty speaks to Matthew Corbett
81. He is not Fry
82. He does not get angry at me when I listen to music or watch TV on high volume
83. If he talks badly of me, he only does it behind my back so that I don't get upset
84. His testicles makes it look like he has a giant bum
85. He eats chocolate
86. Sometimes he bites the buttons on the remote control
87. He never turns me down when I want to play Cluedo
88. He has been outside fewer than 10 times
89. He is a good spy
90. His nose is cold and wet like a small dog
91. He stands at the bars of his house when he wants attention
92. He never judges me
93. His poos are inoffensive
94. He does not interrupt me when I am writing lists about hamsters, unlike other hamsters
95. He runs around in a ball
96. His house is close to the hand sanitiser for ultimate convenience
97. He is an atheist
98. If he was bigger he would still be very cute
99. He is not Fry
100. He seems like he is probably happy
     
     

Here at Rachael News, I don't just want to bring you light-hearted comment pieces and hamster-based lists, oh no! They do make up the bulk of the newsletter, but I also aim to bring you hard-hitting news journalism in a non-patronising style. Your intellect has brought you here, I am going to use mine to keep you reading...

My Favourite Pair of Pyjamas by Rachael

Very little has been written about the role of pyjamas in modern society. They are the most overlooked item of clothing since the jelly shoe. In a fashion magazine, you'll occasionally see a page dedicated to 'cosy sleepwear for winter nights', only to find one set of £89 Cath Kidson pyjamas, hidden amongst slinky robes, minuscule nighties and frilly lingerie. This will not stand. This is not the world I want to live in. This is, quite frankly, an abomination. And I am going to put it right.

Before we get to the important stuff, it's useful to have some historical background on the best clothes ever. Everybody knows that the word pyjama originates from the Urdu 'pa' and 'jameh'. Taken separately, the words mean 'leg' and 'garment' respectively. However, when placed together, they come to mean 'clothes that, if worn outside the house, indicate the end of the world to people who read the Daily Mail'.

Pyjamas were invented by the smartest people ever to live. British colonialists then copied the idea (to be fair, who wouldn't?) and it quickly spread around the world like Nutella spread on toast (read next week's issue for more on this important topic!-Ed).

Back to the modern day and I like pyjamas, no more or less than any other ordinary man or woman who also likes pyjamas a completely normal amount. Anybody who says otherwise is probably James.

My favourite pyjamas are all of the ones that are really comfy and soft and that have a nice picture or pattern on. I have had many pairs over the years, including an Aladdin pair that glowed in the dark (23 years old, I was) and some with pictures of Snoopy on.
When I was 16, I received a pair of spotty button-up pyjamas from my Aunty for Christmas. They were very warm and had polka dots on, making them really good. They were given to me alongside a spotty dressing gown and I still have them to this day. Bargain retailers such as Primark and Peacocks have been a revelation for the dedicated jim-jammer, providing affordable options in sleepwear, including my most recent two-piece set, a pink and white polar bear based ensemble (thank you James, I love you).

Never let it be said that I do not move with the times, and in this instance, by 'move with the times' I actually mean 'regress to the age of two'. I am of course referring to the all-in-one phenomenon. I would throw myself wholeheartedly onto the onesie bandwagon if it weren't for that one niggling little issue, the unavoidable problem of visits to the pisser during the wearing of the baby grow. This would be easily solved with the inclusion of a bumflap being mandatory on all such garments, but those bureaucrats in Brussels just won't leave us be.
It is wholly accurate to say that any adult is contractually obliged to feel at least some level of shame while wearing a giant baby grow (check your onesie label for the appropriate level for you) but still, they are quite cute and snuggley and other words that could also be used to describe a piglet (covered in poo could be another one if you really let things slide- we demand bumflaps!).

But to sum up, pyjamas of all kinds is brilliant. It's true, they're dead good and you should get some too because you will like them or else.

Raching Bad or What I Like About Breaking Bad by Rachael

Breaking Bad is, for the uninitiated, a TV show that is better than most of the things that you love, including your family. I don't really need to write this article because if you don't like it then I don't like you and you're not even invited to my newsletter. For the sake of filling blank space though, here are some things that I like about Breaking Bad, in no particular order except most to least and 1-6...

1. There's a character named after the Spanish word for tortoise and he's played by Danny Trejo. No further comment needed.
2. Bryan Cranston manages to makes Walter White scary, sympathetic, intimidating, sweet, weak and pitiful, sometimes all at the same time. Some people have hypothesised that Cranston is in fact sextuplets but a visit to the Canoga Park, California records office yielded no evidence of this whatsoever. So stop saying it. He's just that good, OK?!
3. Fly. There's a fly, it's a main character for one episode and then it gets killed. Good.
4. Fan hatred of Skyler White lets you know who the arseholes are. A handy guide.
5. It lasted longer than it was originally supposed to without ever turning crap. In fact it only got better from a first season initially thought to leave no room for improvement, thus proving science wrong. Take that, Bill Nye!
6. Everything else. Some have called this point lazy journalism of the highest order. And to those people I say 'Correct'.

The Best Free Books for Your Nook by Rachael

Here at Rachael News, I have received literally some emails from adoring and worryingly obsessive fans who love my writing style and basically just want to be as cool as I am. While this is not possible for most people, the best way to take your mind off me is to read things written by other people instead.
I recommend any of the free from copyright e-books available to download onto your Nook. If you have a Kindle you can't participate in this section. Kobo readers are OK but only because James has one and he has to proofread this for me before it goes to print.

The best thing about reading free books is that you won't be obsessing over me while you're doing so, clogging up my emails and driveway with your presence, therefore, I recommend all of the books. By the timed you have finished the free e-books already available, enough time will have passed that more books will have become free so you can read them too. If you are a particularly fast reader (or a liar), I recommend getting a library card. Many libraries now offer e-book rental services so that you can still download rather than leave the house. The bonus of this is that you can be wearing your pyjamas at all times.

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Trophy Wife sounds shit, isn't.